Lessons Learned from a Widow

²⁷ Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

James 1:27 (NKJV)

When my Pa (father) passed away 4 years ago, my Mom suddenly had numerous trials to face as a widow, some that she had to experience on her own, some that we, her kids have had to go through with her. We have learned from all of them. So today I'd like to share some of these with you so that you might be able to apply them to a widow(er) in your neighborhood, church, or family.

• Shortly after my Dad passed away, nearly everyone stopped visiting her. She was so lonely. Although it might be difficult to be around someone so sad, the visit is for the person who is lonely, not for yourself. If you don't know what to say, just stop by explaining that you are coming by just for a few minutes to see if there is anything you can do. Then leave when you have to. Those few minutes you are there will be the brightest spot in their day.

• My Mom loves little shows of thoughtfulness, because the man who did thoughtful things for her for 40+ years is not there to do them for her. Little hand-drawn cards by the kids, a flower picked from the garden, a note in the mail, or even a little gifty dropped on the doorstep, just something to let her know that someone else was thinking of her.

• Evenings and Sundays were and still are the worst days for my Mom. These were times spent with Dad. Inviting her over for dinner or letting the kids go to play at her house in the afternoon while we visited helps those difficult times pass much easier.

• Remembering special days (Dad's birthday, their anniversary, the day Dad passed away) with a phone call, a card, or a little thoughtful gift reminds Mom that she's not the only mourning the passing of a great man. He hasn't been forgotten.

• My Mom has a beautiful yard, but it's big and a lot of work. My oldest brother spends a lot of time working on the sprinklers and other yard projects that my Mom doesn't have the know-how to do. She does mow, edge, and blow her yard herself, though. (She has an independent streak). However, I'm quite sure if someone else wanted to do it for her, she would gladly relinquish the job! As my kiddos get a little older, you'd better believe they'll be out there weeding and doing yard work because a 65+ year old woman shouldn't be doing all that hard work! I guess the point of this point is that if you've got a child old enough to volunteer to do some yard work (or house work, for that matter) for a widow(er), it would probably be greatly appreciated and a great lesson for your child as well!

• My Mom has had 3 surgeries this year. Yes, three. Who helps at home when you have surgery or are sick? Your spouse, unless you don't have one. Between my brothers and I, we all try to make sure that we are there when she needs it the most, and checking in with a visit or by phone as often as we can throughout the recovery process. Perhaps you think someone who is post-op doesn't want visitors. Well, the fact of the matter is that you might be a distraction from whatever is bothering them most from the surgery. Or maybe you show up at just the right time to help find extra bandages from the cupboard. Or maybe you call just when they've realized that they could really use more Gatorade or chicken soup from the store. It's all about showing you care when they need it most.

• There have been a few issues with Mom's house that we kids don't have the expertise to handle. Amazingly, there are people who have been gracious enough to offer discounted rates on their services to her simply because she is a widow - what a blessing!

• Holidays are especially difficult. The first few Christmases my Mom had no desire to set up her decorations, inside or out. Yet we felt that it was necessary, so we went over to help set up. I think she was glad that they were up. But keep in mind, what goes up has to come down eventually. Volunteering to help with that task as well helped her get through a very difficult holiday season.

• Our family is big on camping. We were planning on going camping the summer after my Pa passed away to our favorite place: Sunset Beach. A few weeks before he passed in April (before we could get to Sunset) we had a "camping trip" in my Pa's front yard. Our camping friends and our family all came and we pulled out lawn chairs, roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over the campfire in the middle of the driveway, and sang campfire songs, all while Dad sat in his wheelchair with his oxygen tank behind him. The smiles that came from that man are what memories are made of. The next month (May) we had planned a family camping trip with all our trailers. Pa was gone. Mom had never gone camping without him. Since we have never wanted to squash her independence, my brothers have always pulled her trailer wherever she is going camping and help set up and take down. Doing this has allowed her to maintain some of her independence and her ability to do something that she truly loves and that also reminds her of wonderful times with her husband.

• One thing that I think people are afraid to do is talk about the "deceased." Fact of the matter is that those mourning want to hear about the person they love. They want to hear your memories of that person because it helps them to "not forget." For Mom, it also shows that Dad had an impact on someone else's life and that he was important enough that people want to remember him. Plus, just because he's gone, doesn't mean that everything about him has to be erased. Talking about him makes him real, not just a memory.

• Perhaps the most difficult trial has been allowing Mom to mourn in the way that works for her. She has been criticized left and right about how she shouldn't be crying anymore or that perhaps she should be trying to match herself up with a local widower. She should stop listening to the music that reminds her of Dad. She should, she should, she should... I have always scolded her for listening to the criticism. No one can walk in her shoes. No one has been married to my Dad but her. No one knows what it is like to love and be loved by my Dad. No one has lost a husband like my Dad was to my Mom. I don't think anyone should tell her how to mourn my Dad. Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now. :)

• Looks like maybe I should write a book about this! Didn't realize I had learned so much!

• My Mom is often concerned about being a burden to others. I can't get it through her head that it is a blessing to be able to take care of someone who has done so much for me. She deserves all the respect in the world! All who have walked in this world before us should be honored in this way. (Well, maybe not all, but many!)
  

• My Mom loves hugs. My Pa was one of the best huggers ever and he gave them out frequently. Now he's not here to give Mom her daily dose of hugs. My kids and I try to fill in the best we can. Any gentle little touch is a blessing: a side hug, a touch on the shoulder or back, a gigantic bear hug. All those little signs of affection show her that she is important and valuable to us.

I guess the lesson today is just to show a lonely person that they matter,
even if it is in a little way.